Couple Resilience: Emerging Perspectives
I didn’t finish this book and I didn’t have a lot of nice things to say about it in my review on goodreads, but as I did read roughly half of it and it seemed easy to blog, I figured I might as well cover it here.
I have added some observations from the book and a few comments below:
“While we know that every marriage brings not only promise but substantial risk, to date we know more about the harmful processes in relationships than we do about what makes them work”
“expressions of positivity, especially gratitude, promote relationship maintenance in intimate bonds”
“Baxter and Montgomery (1996) maintain that the closeness of a relationship may be determined by the extent to which the ‘self becomes’ or changes through participation in that relationship, suggesting that boundaries between ‘self’ and ‘other’ are more permeable and fluid in a close, intimate relationship. […] Not surprisingly, this collective sense of an ‘us’ appears to grow stronger with time and age with older couples demonstrating greater levels of we-ness than couples at middle-age”
“It has been demonstrated […] that affirmation by one’s partner that is in keeping with one’s own self-ideal, is associated with better relationship adjustment and stability […]. Moreover, if a spouse’s positive view of his or her mate is more favorable than the mate’s own view, and if the spouse tries to stabilize such positive impressions then, over time, the person’s negative self-view could begin to change for the better […] Perceiving one’s partner as responsive to one’s needs, goals, values and so forth has generally been associated with greater relationship satisfaction and personal well-being […]. The concomitant experience of feeling validated, understood and cared for […] would arguably be that much more imperative when one partner is in distress. Such responsiveness entails the ability “to discern non-verbal cues, and to ‘read between the lines’ about motivations, emotions, and experiences,” […] Being attuned and responsive to non-verbal and para-verbal cues, in turn, is conducive to couple coping because it enables well spouses to be appropriately supportive without having to be explicitly directed or asked.” (I recall thinking that the topic of ‘hidden support’ along these lines was a very important topic to keep in mind in the future when I first read about it. It’s covered in much more detail in one of the previous books I’ve read on related topics, though I can’t recall at the moment if it was in Vangelisti & Perlman, Hargie, or Regan).
“Sexual resilience […] is a term used to describe individuals or couples who are able to withstand, adapt, and find solutions to events and experiences that challenge their sexual relationship.[…] the most common challenges to sexuality include the birth of the first child […]; the onset of a physical or mental illness […]; an emotional blow to the relationship, such as betrayal or hurt; lack of relational intimacy, such as becoming absorbed by other priorities such as career; and changes associated with aging, such as vaginal dryness or erectile dysfunction. […] People who place a relatively low value on sex for physical pleasure and a relatively high value on sex for relational intimacy […] are motivated to engage in sexual activity primarily to feel emotionally close to their partner. […] these individuals may respond to sexual challenges with less distress than those who place a high value on sex for physical pleasure. On an individual level, they are not overly concerned about specific sexual dysfunctions, but are motivated to find alternative ways of continuing to be sexually intimate with their partner, which may or may not include intercourse. […] Facing sexual difficulties with a high value placed on sex for relational intimacy, with strong dyadic adjustment, and with effective and open communication skills primes a couple to respond well to sexual challenges. […] Acceptance, flexibility, and persistence are characteristics most commonly associated with couples who successfully negotiated the challenges to their sexual relationship. […] When the physical pleasure aspect of sex is viewed as an enjoyed, but not essential, component of sex, couples no longer need to rely on perfect sexual functioning to engage in satisfying sex. Physical pleasure can come to be seen as “icing on the cake”, while relational intimacy is the cake itself.”
“Overall findings from neuroimaging studies of resilience suggest that the brains of resilient people are better equipped to tamp down negative emotion. […] In studies of rodents […] and primates […], early stress has consistently been associated with impaired brain development. Specifically, chronic stress has been found to damage neurons and inhibit neurogenesis in the hippocampus and medial prefrontal cortex […]. Stress has the opposite effect on the amygdala, causing dendritic growth accompanied by increased anxiety and aggression […]. Human studies yield results that are consistent with animal studies.”
I won’t cover the human studies in detail, but for example people have found when looking at the brains of children raised under bad conditions in orphanages in Eastern Europe and Asia that children who were adopted early in life (i.e., got away from the terrible conditions early on) had smaller amygdalae than children who were adopted later. They also note that smaller orbitofrontal volumes have been observed in physically abused children, with arguably(?) (I’m not sure about the validity of the instrument applied) a dose-response relationship between severity of abuse and the level of brain differences/changes observed, and smaller hippocampal volumes have been noted in depressed women with a history of childhood maltreatment (their brains were compared with the brains of depressed women without a history of childhood maltreatment).
“The positive associations between social support and physical health may be due in large part to the effect of positive relationships on cortisol levels […]. The presence of close, supportive relationships have been associated with lower cortisol levels in adolescents […], middle class mothers of 2-year old children […], elderly widowed adults […], men and women aged 47–59 […], healthy men […], college students […], 18–36 year olds from the UCLA community […], parents expecting their first child […], and relationship partners […] Overall, studies on relationship quality and cortisol levels suggest that close supportive relationships play an important role in boosting resilience.”
“Sharpe (2000) offered an insightful, developmental approach to understanding mutuality in romantic relationships. She described mutuality as a result of “merging” that consists of several steps, which occur and often overlap in the lifetime of a relationship. With the progression of the relationship, the partners start to recognize differences that exist between them and try to incorporate them into their existing concept of relationship. Additionally, both partners search for “his or her own comfort level and balance between time together and time apart” […]. As merging progresses, partners are able to cultivate their existing commonalities and differences, as well as develop multiple ways of staying connected. In truly mutual couples, both partners respect and validate each other’s views, work together to accomplish common goals, and resolve their differences through compromise. Moreover, a critical achievement of mutuality is the internalization of the loving relationship.”
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