Econstudentlog

Horoscopes – Onion edition

Some random horoscopes from the horoscope section of The Onion:

1. “You’ll be taken aback this week by the news that your life story has been changed from a lightweight romantic comedy to a lengthy and detailed police procedural.”
2. “Pluto rising in your sign indicates trouble in your work life, which is problematic because, well, for astronomical reasons, Pluto will be rising in your sign for the next 87 years.”
3. “You’ll begin to suspect that your spouse has taken other sexual partners shortly after he or she opens a conversation with you by saying, “I’ve been thinking about taking other sexual partners.”
4. “This week will teach you that there are certain things that really can’t be faked, such as love, respect, and the human arm.”
5. “Love has been compared to many, many things, but thanks to your unique outsider’s perspective, you’ll be the first to spot its uncanny resemblance to the international bauxite market.”
6. “Your week will be so varied, interesting, and surprising that eventually the coroner will just give up, shrug, and write “heart failure” in the spot marked “Cause of Death.”
7. “Sometimes you just have to sit back and laugh at the hilarity of it all, but sometime’s it’s better to actually help people out of the burning building.”
8. “Someday in the future, long after you’ve died and passed from living memory, really won’t be that long from now.”
9. “Mercury rising in your sign indicates that things are getting hotter, as the mercury has expanded, causing it to rise up the thermometer.”
10. “Don’t let people tell you that you can’t be anything you want in life. Surgical techniques and gene-grafting will soon allow anyone to assume giraffe form.”
11. “Life may be a series of small and inevitable defeats culminating in death, but look at it this way: You won’t have to put up with as much of it as most people.”
12. “Before making any important business decisions next week, ask yourself if you’re using the same decision-making criteria that sent you to prison.”
13. “The stars are tired of politely nodding when you say you’re single because you’re “too picky.” You’re 25 pounds overweight and, frankly, the body odor is getting out of hand.”
14. “The universal redshift indicates that the stars are flying away from us at astounding velocities. Perhaps it is more accurate to say “from you.””
15. “The largest meteorite ever to hit a person was about 45 pounds, making you a posthumous shoo-in for the record next Wednesday.”

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January 6, 2011 - Posted by | Random stuff

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