1) “Why did I become a doctor? Well gosh, I guess it’s because ever since I was a little boy I just wanted to help people. You know, I don’t tell this story often, but I remember when I was seven years old, one time I found a bird that had fallen out of its nest, so I picked him up and I brought him home and I made him a house out of an empty shoebox and… oh my God! [breaks up laughing] I became a doctor for the same four reasons everybody does: chicks, money, power, and chicks. But, since HMOs have made it virtually impossible to make any real money, which directly effects the number of chicks that come sniffin’ around, and don’t ask me what tree they’re barking up, ’cause they’re sure as hell not pissing on mine, and as far as power goes, well: Here I am during my free time letting some thirteen-year-old psychology fella who couldn’t cut it in real medicine ask me questions about my personal life, so here’s the inside scoop there, pumpkin, why don’t you go ahead and tell me all about power.” (Update 2: Here’s the clip, the sequence starts at 2:30)

“Relationships don’t work the way they do on television and in the movies [US: do note that this is a quote from a tv-series]. Will they? Won’t they? And then they finally do, and they’re happy forever. Gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren’t right for each other to begin with, and half of the ones who get married get divorced anyway, and I’m telling you right now, through all this stuff, I have not become a cynic, I haven’t. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies and, y’know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don’t care, because I do believe in it. Bottom line is: it’s couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don’t let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If it’s right, and they’re real lucky, one of them will say something.” (Update: After a short search, I was able to find the clip here)

“Do you know any women who hate themselves enough to date me?”

(Percival Ulysses Cox, Scrubs)

2) “One of the effects of civilization is to diminish the rigour of the application of the law of natural selection. It preserves weakly lives that would have perished in barbarous lands.” (Francis Galton)

3) “Faith has never moved anything at all. It is doubt that moves.” (Poul Henningsen)

4) “Future comes by itself, progress does not.” (-ll-)

5) “So I say live and let live. That’s my motto. Live and let live. Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.” (George Carlin)

6) “I realized some time ago that I’m not separate from nature just because I have a primate brain – an upper brain – because underneath the primate brain, there’s a mammalian brain, and beneath the mammalian brain, there’s a reptilian brain; and it’s those two lower brains that made the upper brain possible in the first place. Here’s the way it works: The primate brain says, “Give peace a chance.” The mammalian brain says, “Give peace a chance, but first let’s kill this motherfucker.” And the reptilian brain says, “Let’s just kill the motherfucker, go to the peace rally and get laid.” (George Carlin)

7) “The barbarous custom of having men beaten who are suspected of having important secrets to reveal must be abolished. It has always been recognized that this way of interrogating men, by putting them to torture, produces nothing worthwhile. The poor wretches say anything that comes into their mind and what they think the interrogator wishes to know.” (Napoléon Bonaparte, written in 1798)

In case you think of him as ‘the good guy’ now, because of that quote (/unlikely, but…), here’s another: “The life of a citizen is the property of his country.”

8 ) “The more is given the less the people will work for themselves, and the less they work the more their poverty will increase.” (Leo Tolstoy, ‘Help for the Starving’, 1892)

9) “Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.” (Leo Tolstoy)

10) “Abstainer, n. A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.” (Ambrose Bierce, ‘The Devil’s Dictionary’)

11) “Learning, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.” (-ll-)

12) “Liberty, n. One of imagination’s most precious possessions.” (-ll-)

I could probably keep quoting Bierce all day, so I’ll just leave the link and you can read all of it yourself, if you’re so inclined.


August 23, 2010 Posted by | Quotes/aphorisms | 14 Comments